guys

my girls always come to me for dating advice.  im not perfect &&i get hurt like the rest of the world, but i do know how to handle it.  my hole life has been guys! i was raised by my brother &&older guy cousins my hole life.  i didnt even have a girl friend until i was in the 6th grade, veronica ayala.  now im a contradiction i guess.  im barbie, marly, marilyn&&joe rogan all in one.  &&girls always ask me to turn them into a guy. i do know how guys think,  usually the guy your trying to hook up with is my brother, cousin, or best friend... one thing i have to say is STOP caring.. stop obsessing.. &&no questions...if a guy really likes you he'll stop if you do any of theses things too much.  if you wouldnt say it to your friend, then dont say it to him.

flying high

I'm starting to feel the hurt..that painful sting that runs from your heart to your throat. you know when the sky is full of the suns rays&&its so warm&&happy then the clouds move &&everything gets dark so suddenly. that's how i feel..I'm starting to feel the hurt.
women are angles. we are always so ready to help, to fly to your side without question, to make you feel better. then at one point that person we care for, that someone we love comes &&breaks our wings....we keep on flying, on a broom stick......we are strong &&beautiful&&we will fight with all we've got, but we can only take so much.
i will always fight! i will always be strong.  no one can tell me what i can do.  no one will ever break me.

♥ goodbye love

sometimes I'm in the mood for love &&some times I'm not..I'm not going to make some thing a big deal just for you. I'm not petty &&never have been. i have been and always will be real. so if your hurt its your own fault because I'm honest about my feelings.  Ive given you all i could &&its time to call it quits.  there is nothing left.  I'm going to be happy &&i know you will too, so its not sad &&don't be mad because i gave you plenty of time to work this out.  i think we are better apart.  we had a bad romance. it was the best while it lasted &&i would never ever take it back.  i love &&will always love our moments together.

♥

i thought nothing could stop me from loving you, but time changes everything, good luck to you &&may god bless you, i cant say ill always love you again, you go your way &&ill go mine, cause darling time changes everything.....

i feel so much better now that i know the truth. Ive been getting out everyday to keep my mind clear. I'm out from the morning when i wake up when that damn la sierra (the military school next door)trumpet goes off. till the sun goes down across st johns river.
people make me so happy. just hearing everyone laughing and families spending time together chillin &&bbqing. friends going floating &&the streets lined up with parked trucks waiting to be piled into.
summer around here is really amazing. i swear the smell of BBQ &&the sound of music fills the air all day. &&on weekends everyone goes to the car shows&&the Cruz nights. there is no reason to go home &&everyone knows everyone&&if you happen to run into someone who happens to be unknown they're most likely related to someone you do know. lol
&&finally when everyone has had just enough. we all go to each others friends houses &&star the bonfire. drink a little feel alright &&dance all night to the DJ...

wow really :'-( damn

i know everything now...i know why things changed and i know whats wrong...

you lied so much. knew something was wrong. you turned into a stranger..now i know why.  we were amazing.  every moment was so full of life.  you could always make me smile&&had just the right thing to say. every moment was beautiful&&rich.  everywhere we went it was just me&&you &&no one else around.  you were always in my head &&i was always in yours. 
i used to blame myself.  i tried to fix myself for you.  i didn't &&couldn't understand what had happen to my best friend. you were my everything, my father, lover, &&best friend.  now i know.....you turned into such an awful person &&such a lire.  i never thought i was going to go through this with you...
Addiction..........i thought you were cheating...i cant compete with your drug habit...
i know everything now..i know why things changed and i know what wrong......
now i don't know what to do..

Love without trust?

We're back together.  if you love someone let them go.  i let him go but he just wouldn't stop coming back.
I'm so happy we have our family back. I'm so happy &&i love him just as much..i think......
i keep telling myself you have what you've been praying for!  we are both so in love &&he does all he can to be the best person for me. he makes me happy every chance he gets. he reassures me every time I'm in doubt...but still i doubt...i think...tooooo much.  i fill myself up with the past. i say i forgive him but every time I'm not with him i freak out!  i assume hes lying about every thing now.
we're back together now...&&its not the same.
I never want to be without him again. i don't want to ever go through the hole on&&off.  break up to make up situation again. i love him &&i know he loves me.  but now i don't trust him..
we are &&always have been best friends. even during the time apart we talked everyday. we cant go a day without talking. i didn't have time to think about how it would be when we got back together. now that we are i realize i don't trust him.  i have no reason not to trust him now. but i am so hurt by him that now my mind runs thinking about what he did. i haven't been able to keep the passed in the passed. i forgave but i haven't forgotten.  its making me crazy. he says I'm crazy all the time. he'll say something &&ill over analyze his story so much that it makes me assume things that are all wrong.  if he goes out he has to explain himself or i think hes not telling me because hes hiding something.  he says he needs guy time &&he asks me to understand.  i used to but now i just think when i did understand he was betraying me so whats the difference now?
our relationship was so chill before, so happy, &&care free.  i knew he loved me &&i loved him &&that's all that mattered.  i miss that. i need to let go. 

i had no idea that getting back together would cause a problem.........

cant keep me down

in thee words of Brittany Spears "i use to be a pretty cool chick" lol &&im gonna be again.  i have so much going for me. zee(babydaddy) &&i are officially over. even though hes been gone for a long time.  i didnt deserve all the things he did to me. if all i did was love him too much, if that all he has to complain about. then fuuuuck him! im done. i just wish i would have been so dumb for so long.  he kept me down &&was always so mean he abused em in every way he could. he would hurt me just because he knew he could. he told me "youll be nothing without me" "your going to be treated like shit, your lucky your with me.....
Naw homie, your too low to knock me off my high...silly hoe ♥

party all the time when im not with him

make a girl laugh

my BABY DADDY DAY was awful.. sometimes i am so weak! i fall for him every time!  all his lies and promises he doesn't intend to keep.  thank god i had a good friend to keep me company &&make me happy.  the day was ruined.  but tonight was the best. 
when I'm sad i feel like i cant tell people, i feel embarrassed.  this time i felt so bad &&the day had went so bad that i had to have someone to talk to...but of course the one time i call on people they don't answer even though i answer everyone.  i thought my night was going to be full of tears but i was wrong. =]
out of the blue after months one of my really good guy friends called me...we used to talk but it never went anywhere..he asked me what was wrong &&i got word through up lol i told him everything and i couldn't stop. i thought he was going to freak out &&say oh, OK bye. but he didn't he actually drove all the way to my house to hang out with me&&my son &&watch movies. we had a fue drinks &&talked about everything.
I'm glad someone was there for me. i love when something good happens when i least expect it!  i laughed so much. i havent done that in a while.

comment qustion??

yesterday i was commenting people and i would click submit &&it would post but today ive been trying to comment people back&& i either cant or its posted as anonymous..how do i stop this?

moving on..trying

everyone is afraid to get hurt..to get "played" as if it were a choice. and its not, you cant control the person you love. you cant chose love. you just love. &&just because you love someone doesn't mean they'll love you back. &&sometimes even if they do love you, just as much as you love them, love might not be enough. don't seek revenge, don't close yourself off, love with everything you've got.

just take it. accept it. &&move on..one day that love will fade in you.

so i guess i should mention why im such a mess lol..long story short i fell in love with my first. sound familliar...He was my first everything really&&then when i got pregnant i was officially head over heels. he was everything to me. my little family was my world..&&then it all came tubbling down. mostly because of external factors. we are still in the middle..everyday going up and down. I sill love him, &&i cant stop.. i cant let go..my hopes are too high. I cant not answer. i have to call back. i miss my best friend. my heart is made up of my family and now its broken. i feel lost without him. everything is upside down..a mess.

a needed adventure ♥

sometimes getting out of bed is so hard. I'm hoping by writing this blog i can help get this out. I'm going floating tomorrow, for those of you who don't know..floating is where you&&a bunch of friends go floating in an inter tube from one end of a river to another. it will be my first time. its crazy too because i always say no but this time i think i should, just go on an adventure, forget for awhile. no more sitting at home, i need to get outta my head lol

3AM

Night time! that's when it happens most, when the memories come rushing, when it hurts the most..when i feel soooo lonely. I start to obsess over what happen, what should have happen, &&the idea that i had in my head..its not the GOODBYE that hurts, its the memories, words , &&sounds that linger, the overwhelming flashbacks that come after.  reminding you of what you lost.  The feeling that you weren't good enough. &&the pressure to be..&&the hope that who ever the next girl is wont be...

the best is yet to come....&&love finds those who are ready to receive it.....

kug fu panda

so todays been good. i have offically seen kung fu panda 40 times.  my sons favorite movie. hes only 18 months but he knows every part of that movie &&just has to watch it everyday..multiple times a day. i love him so much! the light from his heart is so bright it shines through his eyes. he looks up at me with so much love&&happiness it fills me! all of me! My Zavi Baby..My son..hes the love of my life &&the best of me..you have my heart my little man ♥

all in a blog....

My heartbreak all in a blog..the end..in my head, down my fingertips&&through these keys..out of my mind, which is so full it tortures me, out of this hoarder's box of memories, thoughts, persecutions, trials, and tribulations, that seem to never fade. that seem to be stuck stuck right in front of my eyes as if they happen yesterday or a second before. images. words. painful stinging cloud of smoke i walk through..people, actions, places I have to fight through to get to myself..the person i really am...without these lies secrets &&assumptions i think of. I want to break free..I want to be me again. I cant speak..the words dont come out..im stuck, as if i were in a dream &&have no voice yet cant help but scream!
But i can write..so this is my solution..this is my Heart, my Heartbreak all in a blog.